Good-Bye 2005...I won't miss you

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant. It sounds so odd saying it. Time could not be going any slower...really it couldn't. I think this week has gone slower than any 2ww. Between analyzing every single ping and pang in my body, making sure my boobs still hurt, and the 2 dozen daily panty checks, you would think that time would just be flying...HA!

My ultrasound is on Jan 9th - it can not come fast enough. It is such an odd time, I don't feel pregnant or look pregnant, yet supposedly there is someone growing inside me. I need the ultrasound, I need to see it with my own eyes. My first 2 HCGs were great - high numbers, good doubling time - after those two the Dr was pleased and didn't want anymore...I wanted more, at least one. They said that additional HCGs would not tell us anything "significant", maybe not clinically, but how 'bout my piece of mind? The estradiol and progesterone yesterday were excellent...so far it all looks good, but I am so anxious - it feels so unreal, so fragile, and definitely not permanent.

My job exposes me to a good deal of radiation. So I am not given the luxury of waiting to tell the people I work with. Instead of working in the procedure rooms, I will be in charge for the next 8 months (hopefully!!) So, naturally people want to know why. I wasn't ready for all the hugs and congratulations...as I repeatedly said "it's still very, very early".

Tonight we are going over to some friends house for dinner and maybe...thats a BIG maybe, we will make it until midnight. We usually go to bed around 9, so midnight is a stretch. I pray that 2006 will be a wonderful year. 2005 was long, and emotionally trying. It has left me tired, drained, and changed me forever. I think that the Counting Crows said it best "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better the last" I know the whole song does not apply, but that line does. I do have reason to believe that 2006 will be better - at least today I do.

We've got a double!!

13d3dt

Second Beta 759...doubling time 42 hours. It is starting to sink in a little.

We told our families and close friends who knew that we were going thru the IVF. I wish that we had the luxury to wait. I repeatedly told them that it is "very early" and to please hold down the celebrations and fanfare for a while. My mom wanted to know when she could start buying things, I gave her a firm date of Feb 24.

Today I had to go buy some fat clothes. Over the past year I have gained 8 pounds ( I attribute this to lack of exercise and months and months of hormones) but up until a few days ago I still had clothes that fit. I am sooooo bloated ( I think from the progesterone) that I needed new pants. I can not wait until I am buying new clothes because of a baby belly - but this borders on ridiculous!

We recieved some sad news this weekend. T's brother and SIL miscarried on the day that we had our retrieval. They have 2 kids. The pregnancy was late in the 1st trimester. We didn't even know they were pregnant ( I think they were waiting to tell us because of the IVF) They were pregnant with triplets - naturally. T was completely stunned and really didn't know what to say. I will send a card this week. I thought of calling, but SIL and I are not super close ( have always lived very far away - never talk on phone) Maybe I should call... This news has made T and I even more cautious then we would have been, and I just really feel awful for them.

It has been a quiet few days. Although we are both nervous, we are also relieved. Relieved that for the first time in 18 months we are not trying to get pregnant. For the first time ever, we are there.

10dp3dt

233

That was the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard! I can't believe it, T can't believe it - we are wondering around the house in a state of shock.

I held out, I did not POAS. However, within minutes of the phonecall I found a stick and peed on it. I had to see what a positive actually looks like.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah!

Christmas miracles?

We will know the results of this cycle - our first IVF - in less than 24 hours. I have really hated the wait, but I am not really nervous. I think that the lack of nervousness is because I am fully expecting bad news. Its kinda like I am a little kid waiting for Christmas, and no matter how many times I count days or look at the calender the time does not go any faster. Unlike the little kid who is anxiouxly anticipating gifts I feel like I am waiting for a big lump of coal.

I am a big chicken and will not be peeing on any sticks. I think that in my mind by not testing I am just postponing the inevitable bad news, and since I really don't want bad news I'll just wait.I had a dream last night that I took several HPTs and they were all positive. I fear that may be the closest that I ever get to a positive. I have imagined the call that should come tomorrow around 2, and everytime it starts the same way "I am sorry..." So I wonder - does anyone go into the Beta (without having done a HPT) thinking "this is it, I just know that it worked" or is everyone as negative as me? Well meaning friends and family and even T tell me that I need to be positive...Is that possible? Is it possible that after having countless pee sticks that I have held up to the light and squinted at trying to see something - anything, that I could really be positive going into tomorrows test?

Three Christmas's ago I was back in the midwest with my family. It had been 4 weeks since my ex-husband had moved out. I was not in the best of spirits. I was depressed, angry, had a wicked cold and did not know what I was going to do. The only reason that I was in CO was so the ex could go to law school. I didn' t have any friends here because I had spent most of my time working to support the two of us. I was coming back to CO on Christmas day...coming back to nothing. For the first time - ever - I was on my own. I married young, too young. I graduated from college in June and got married in July at the age of 22. When my parents dropped me off at the airport on Christmas evening I felt like I might as well be going to the moon. My flight had a lay over in Chicago. I was looking at the monitor to find my next gate, when a man from my flight asked where I was going. I said "Denver" and he said "me too"...he asked if he could buy me a beer, I accepted. 13 months later we were married.

That Chistmas was the luckiest day of my life. Maybe Christmas is a lucky time for me. Maybe great things happen to me when I least expect it, or maybe finding T on that night was my one big miracle, maybe there are no more miracles left for me. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Counting down...

I called the office today and asked if we could move the Beta to Friday - they were very happy to do it. So, Friday it is. In less than 48 hours we will know. I am much happier that it is not on Saturday. This way, if the news is bad we can have time to process it and still have some hope of an OK Christmas weekend...not to mention I can start to drown my sorrows that much earlier.

I made it thru all 10 hours of work today. I am in a pretty good mood today. Today I have taken on the attitude of-it is what it is and I've done all I can do. This new attitude may change in a matter of minutes and without warning.

It is really quite evil that the meds that they give you to help you get and stay pregnant actually mimic pregnany symptoms. I have had mild cramping on and off since 2 days post transfer. The tiny part of me that lets hope live there would like to think that this is my baby finding a cozy place to reside for the next 9 months...The rest of me knows that cramping is a side effect of the Progesterone. I have pretty much learned to ignore all the "symptoms".

Everyone that I know that knows what is going on says to me " I have a really good feeling about this" I am glad that these people are supportive, but really! Would anyone say " Gee, I have a really bad feeling about this, I bet it didn't work" So, basically nothing that anyone says, including T ( who really thinks that it worked) helps me.

We will know Friday at 2. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up on Sat...

Breakdown

I think that I am officially hormonal. I was in a fine, happy mood and before I knew it I was sitting in my office having a complete breakdown. My boss came in. She was very sympathetic, and told me to go home - this was at 11am. So here I am, at home, feeling a bit more mentally stable.

Our plans for the Christmas weekend consist of a Beta on Saturday and going over to some friends house on Sunday. The plan was just the 2 couples and their 1 year old. They are up to date on our IVF and know that we have our test on Sat, so they know I will either be really happy, or really drunk. They called to ask if we minded if they invited another couple ( also good friends of ours) If I was a normal, sane, fertile person this would not be a problem. But of course the additional woman is pregnant. We have been avoiding them for months. So, yes, I do mind if they are invited. If the news is bad I do not want to spend my Christmas with a 1 year old baby (who we really do adore) and a pregnant woman. We told the friends hosting the dinner, they did not invite the other couple and were very understanding about it. I feel awful about the whole situation. This is what caused the breakdown earlier today.

I feel like I am an awful friend, like I can no longer play well with others, and God forbid you would get knocked up, because that will get you black listed. Infertility is so damn consuming! I feel like I am a crappy friend, a mediocre wife, a so-so daughter and sister...get my point? I miss me...I almost forget who "me" is. I don't really like the me who is stressed out, crabby, obsessed with counting days, anti-social and I seem to be going thru a very uncute phase (7 extra pounds and trying to grow out my hair)

I don't know if I will be able to POAS... everytime I try to picture myself doing it, well I don't do it. That stick holds too much potential, it has too much power. It has the power to bring me the joy that I have never known, or to crush me and take away the little hope I still have left. I don't think I can do it.

From very early on in our attempt to get pregnant I have felt something was wrong with me, like this may never happen. Actually I have thought that I may have troubles concieving long before we ever tried, long befor I ever met T. Call it intuition if you will. Sitting here today I feel the same. I can not even begin to wrap my head around the possibility that we may get good news on Sat. Maybe this is good. Maybe, somehow it makes the disappointment less painful.

The wait is half over...

The title is about as optimistic as I am getting today. No other way to say it other than - Waiting Sucks! BIG TIME... This, however is not news to anyone.

My bedrest went good. Finally I have found something in the whole infertility thing that I excel at! T was wonderful and was very good at sympathy bedrest - he works from home, so not a lot of work got done this week. Lots of movies, lots of take out.

Today I got a progesterone level drawn. I am on the Prometrium. The Dr left it up to me whether I wanted the shots or the "hoochie caps"... I picked the later of the two. I really drilled him about which was better and he said that if one was the slightest bit better than there wouldn't be a choice. I hate shots! Being a nurse, I have no problem inflicting pain on others - I don't do a good job on the other end. I requested the blood draw today because historically I have had issues with spotting a short luteal phases...they like to see anything higher than 8 (with the prometrium) mine was 23.6 - I am happy with that.

The prometrium has its own set of issues. The obvious ones don't need to be mentioned. I am supposed to lay down 30-45 min after inserting it 3 x day. This means that right in the middle of the day I have to lay down. Luckily, I have an office. So I took my thermarest ( small, very thin blow up pad used for backpacking) and there are lots of pillows, I am in a hospital. So during my lunch I lay on my office floor. I am sure that I will fall asleep and hours later they will find me. My boss knows what I am doing - she is quite understanding, but I have not exactly announced to everyone else that I will be taking a daily "hoochie cap nap".

My Beta is scheduled for next Sat...Christmas Eve. I think that I will test on Friday morning. I am off that day until the following Thursday. That is good, it will give me time to process the good or the bad...God, I hope its good. That's all I want for this Christmas and every Christmas for the rest of my life.

Goofy?

Transfer complete! Today went very well. It was painless and the valium was good-it would have been nice to get one for the road.

Out of our 4 fertilized eggs: 1 stopped growing at 2 cells, one was 5 cells, and 2 were 8 cells with 5-10% fragmentation...this is as good as we could have hoped for. The Dr called our results a number of things throughout the procedure. He said it was rare, just goofy, and bizarre. I told him I was very much OK with being bizarre. We transferred all three. Three. I can't believe that with all the drama and bad news of the past week, that we actually came home with 3.

I have set up a cozy little nest on the couch where I will be for the next 2 days. T is a wonderful nurse. I think I may drive him crazy by Thursday - I have a walkie talkie clipped to him, I wouldn't want him to miss any of my requests.

Today, we are happy.

Better than expected...

So far so good - for someone who doesn't have an abundance of eggs.

We went to yesterdays retrieval with the hopes of getting 3 eggs - there was one follicle that wasn't as big as the others. The procedure went fine. I was totally out for it - thank God! Felt a little crappy yesterday, much better today - just a little soar.

Todays ferilization report: 4 mature eggs were retrieved and 4 eggs had fertilized and were looking good. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for Tues.

I know that there is a long way to go, but for the first time in a long time, something has gone right.

New day, different plan...

Todays ultrasound showed 3 good follicles and 1 that may catch up. We went into todays appointment with the plan of converting this to IUI, getting our 90% refund from shared risk, and pursuing a donor egg cycle. We have decided to go thru with retrieval. I know that there is not that great of a chance for success. I know that there is not that great of a chance to even make it to transfer. But, there is a chance, and this may be our only chance. The Dr said that it is not likely that I would respond any differently to another protocol. He said that given my age (32) that there is a good chance that the few eggs I have could be good quality.

Although this is a long-shot, at least we will know that we did everything that we could to concieve a baby with my eggs. I like that the Dr was quite positive about going forward - I like that he wasn't all gung hoe about cancelling (I think some docs would be quick to cancell so they wouldn't hurt their #'s) He explained that we could look at this 2 ways : 1) percentage wise a donor cycle would be way more likely to be a success or 2) I am only 32 and giving this cycle a try might give us peace of mind knowing we did all we could ....I am somewhere in between. Our clinics donor program has an 85% pregnancy rate. I am a pretty practicle person and 85% is a lot more likely to get us to our goal - a family. The Dr said if he were us he would go to retrieval. That is all T needed to hear to decide that is what we should do.

It is very stressful to have a different plan everyday. There is a rack of pamphlets in the waiting room. One of them has big bold letters on the front that says "Infertility is Stressful"....Really!?!?! Today I had the urge to throw the rack acrossed the room , thank God I still have some self control.

I have started looking at the woman in the waiting room differently. Up until Sat. the thought of donor eggs really hadn't crossed my mind . But now I look at the woman and can pick out the donors (quite young & unmarried) . T and I may be going crazy, we pick out the donors and say "we'd take her" we laugh to ourselves -at least we still have a little bit of a sense of humor left. I joke that if we do have to go that route that I want to pick someone taller than me - I am 5'1" , if I can't use my eggs I might as well increase the height of the family.

I guess I am getting ahead of myself. I need to go into the next couple days with the thought that this cycle still has a chance - even if it is a small chance - it is still a chance. We will probably trigger tonight...will know for sure this afternoon.

From slow to no

My eight follicles have turned into 3...This cycle is a bust. I think that we will do IUI, might as well since we have spent $3500 on meds. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the Dr. to talk about if he thinks a different protocol would have a different outcome. My gut says no. I am already on a very aggressive, poor responder protocol. I suspect that we will discuss donor eggs. We are open to that, and really quite positve at the prospect of me still being able to have our baby and for a biological connection with T. It's a lot to process. After the ultrasound on Saturday - when we discovered the smaller follicles had just died off - I spent the whole day crying. I am sad that this cycle didn't work, I am sad that we will be dropped from the shared risk program and will have to spend a lot more money, I am sad that every step that we take that is supposed to be getting us closer to having a family seems to be getting us further away, I am sad that my body's failure is the cause for so much pain for T and me.

SLOWWWWW....

Yesterday was ultrasound #1 - one word describes my progress - slow...There were at least 8 follicles (she said possibly a few more) they are all still pretty small. I am a bit disappointed( a double digit would have been nice) but not surprised.At least there were more than when I had my resting follicle count.My E2 was 58 - like I said, slow.... So at this point we are hoping for quality versus quantity, because obviously the quantity is not there. No change in my meds, no ultrasound today. Monitoring will resume tomorrow.

My sister sent us flowers yesterday. They said " We love you and are thinking of you" It brought me to tears. It finallys seems like someone, other than T and me, gets that this is a big deal. That this is stressful and a lot is at stake.

It's amazing how quickly you get used to being stuck with a needle at least 4 x a day. It is odd, sometimes that menopur feels like I am having acid injected into my belly and sometimes it doesn't sting at all - weird. Time seems to be going pretty quick. Instead of my life being in 2 week increments it is now in 12 hour increments ( shots at 6 and 6) Time seems to go quicker this way. But shooting up is not really my preferance of ways to pass the time.

I have a three day weekend. We are headed out the door to go out for breakfast. I will do Christmas shopping today - should be easy since I am only buying for T. We want to go see a movie or two this weekend. I for sure want to see " Walk the Line" , but am unsure of what else. Sunday we will head up to the mountains with some friends to cut our Christmas tree. We do this every year and then have a tail-gate party in the snow. This year my partying will be without the eggnog and wine - bummer! I know that if I ever get pregnant I will have no problem not drinking - but I must admit that the "just in case abstaining" really sucks!