Christmas miracles?

We will know the results of this cycle - our first IVF - in less than 24 hours. I have really hated the wait, but I am not really nervous. I think that the lack of nervousness is because I am fully expecting bad news. Its kinda like I am a little kid waiting for Christmas, and no matter how many times I count days or look at the calender the time does not go any faster. Unlike the little kid who is anxiouxly anticipating gifts I feel like I am waiting for a big lump of coal.

I am a big chicken and will not be peeing on any sticks. I think that in my mind by not testing I am just postponing the inevitable bad news, and since I really don't want bad news I'll just wait.I had a dream last night that I took several HPTs and they were all positive. I fear that may be the closest that I ever get to a positive. I have imagined the call that should come tomorrow around 2, and everytime it starts the same way "I am sorry..." So I wonder - does anyone go into the Beta (without having done a HPT) thinking "this is it, I just know that it worked" or is everyone as negative as me? Well meaning friends and family and even T tell me that I need to be positive...Is that possible? Is it possible that after having countless pee sticks that I have held up to the light and squinted at trying to see something - anything, that I could really be positive going into tomorrows test?

Three Christmas's ago I was back in the midwest with my family. It had been 4 weeks since my ex-husband had moved out. I was not in the best of spirits. I was depressed, angry, had a wicked cold and did not know what I was going to do. The only reason that I was in CO was so the ex could go to law school. I didn' t have any friends here because I had spent most of my time working to support the two of us. I was coming back to CO on Christmas day...coming back to nothing. For the first time - ever - I was on my own. I married young, too young. I graduated from college in June and got married in July at the age of 22. When my parents dropped me off at the airport on Christmas evening I felt like I might as well be going to the moon. My flight had a lay over in Chicago. I was looking at the monitor to find my next gate, when a man from my flight asked where I was going. I said "Denver" and he said "me too"...he asked if he could buy me a beer, I accepted. 13 months later we were married.

That Chistmas was the luckiest day of my life. Maybe Christmas is a lucky time for me. Maybe great things happen to me when I least expect it, or maybe finding T on that night was my one big miracle, maybe there are no more miracles left for me. I guess I will find out tomorrow.