Breakdown

I think that I am officially hormonal. I was in a fine, happy mood and before I knew it I was sitting in my office having a complete breakdown. My boss came in. She was very sympathetic, and told me to go home - this was at 11am. So here I am, at home, feeling a bit more mentally stable.

Our plans for the Christmas weekend consist of a Beta on Saturday and going over to some friends house on Sunday. The plan was just the 2 couples and their 1 year old. They are up to date on our IVF and know that we have our test on Sat, so they know I will either be really happy, or really drunk. They called to ask if we minded if they invited another couple ( also good friends of ours) If I was a normal, sane, fertile person this would not be a problem. But of course the additional woman is pregnant. We have been avoiding them for months. So, yes, I do mind if they are invited. If the news is bad I do not want to spend my Christmas with a 1 year old baby (who we really do adore) and a pregnant woman. We told the friends hosting the dinner, they did not invite the other couple and were very understanding about it. I feel awful about the whole situation. This is what caused the breakdown earlier today.

I feel like I am an awful friend, like I can no longer play well with others, and God forbid you would get knocked up, because that will get you black listed. Infertility is so damn consuming! I feel like I am a crappy friend, a mediocre wife, a so-so daughter and sister...get my point? I miss me...I almost forget who "me" is. I don't really like the me who is stressed out, crabby, obsessed with counting days, anti-social and I seem to be going thru a very uncute phase (7 extra pounds and trying to grow out my hair)

I don't know if I will be able to POAS... everytime I try to picture myself doing it, well I don't do it. That stick holds too much potential, it has too much power. It has the power to bring me the joy that I have never known, or to crush me and take away the little hope I still have left. I don't think I can do it.

From very early on in our attempt to get pregnant I have felt something was wrong with me, like this may never happen. Actually I have thought that I may have troubles concieving long before we ever tried, long befor I ever met T. Call it intuition if you will. Sitting here today I feel the same. I can not even begin to wrap my head around the possibility that we may get good news on Sat. Maybe this is good. Maybe, somehow it makes the disappointment less painful.