Same stuff different day...

Day two - the same as day one. What I said yesterday about the Menopur stinging "a bit", NOT true. It stings a lot! Yesterday I reconstituted it incorrectly (too much liquid with the right amount of med) so instead of having 1cc I had 2cc. 2cc seemed like a lot so I divided it into 2 shots. Those 2 shots were more dilute so they didn't sting as much. Today, all 150iu were in the 1cc and it brought me to tears. I am getting a nice collection of dime sized bruises on my belly. I felt just a little "off" today, nothing that I could put my finger on.

My first ultrasound is on Thursday. I am really nervous about the number of follicles. My RE told me going into this that he doesn't expect a large number. He said not to expect to have any embryos to freeze. My resting follicle count 6 weeks ago was 7-8...not too stellar.

I just watched a segmant on the national nightly news about the black market for fertility drugs. I think that it is good when they do stories like this - it helps make people aware of the problem. This particular piece did a nice job of tellling how emotionally, physically & financially draining infertility treatments are. They were not, however advocating buying drugs on the black market. I must say though, the idea of the drugs for about a 1/4 of the price is a little tempting.

Just eating leftovers

Not too much to report from the home front.
Lupron shots - easy to give, not painful, no obvious side effects
Menopure -2 amps started this morning - kinda stings, not too bad
Will begin Gonal F 300 units this evening
Also taking Dexamethasone at bedtime - I think it is giving me a voracious appetite - just what I need.

Thanksgiving was fun. The food was great and we had a great time with our friends. They were all quite interested in the IVF process and wanted all the details. Of course they all know several couples who have been successful with IVF ( one with triplets!) I, however, know no one.

The rest of the weekend has been spent just relaxing. Due to our IVF expenses, T & I have decided to cancel Christmas exchanging with everyone but each other, but we wanted to do a little something for the family -so we made a Christmas CD with our favorite songs on it. The cover and the back have pictures of T & I as babies/kids opening Christmas gifts - it really turned out great.

That's about it - very quiet, relaxing 4 day weekend.

All clear for take off!

All went well at the RE visit yesterday:
Cyst-free US - check!
Acceptable blood levels - check!
Physical completed - check!
Paid in full for the "not covered by shared risk" stuff - check!
Lupron consult complete - check!

I begin the Lupron tomorrow and the stims on Sunday.

T took me to work after the appointment and picked me up. He took me out to a fancy dinner downtown. We hardly ever go out downtown - we stay in our little town and rotate thru the 4 decent restaurants. Dinner was fantastic! I had ostrich, this was a first. It is not at all what I would expect. It is very similar to beef tenderloin - I was very impressed.

I need to start peeling potatoes. T just left for the Turkey Trot - I am a little sad I am not with him, but I have been instructed not to get my heart rate above 140. I am currently not in good enough shape to run 5 miles without getting my heart rate at least that high and I don't want to walk it. So I will mash some potatoes.

Thankful to be moving forward...

The last BCP! Yaaa! Tomorrow I go to the RE for my ultrasound and the lupron consult-lupron starts Thanksgiving morning. Things feel like they are moving forward. I have been in an amazingly good mood and this is definitely helping the time go by a bit faster.

I will be on the Lupron for 2 days then begins stims. I am pretty sure that by next week I will need a warning sign on me. " Approach at your own risk, extremely hormonal, anxious, bloated woman - second thought, don't approach at all".

I am now in full swing anti-germ mode. I seriously do not want to get sick. I spend a good amount of time at work wiping things down with disinfectant (especially in my office) and washing my hands even more fanatically than normal. T informed me last night that he had a soar throat. I about came unglued. I told him that he couldn't be sick that a fever may kill off all his sperm - now keep in mind it was just a little scratch and there is no sign of a fever - poor guy...

I am a nurse. My mother is a hyperchondriac. She has multiple ailments at any given time. She expects me to be an expert in all areas of medicine, although the only organ I know much about is the heart. Like the devoted daughter that I am I research every new problem and medication. I make an effort to learn about her real or perceived illnesses. It makes me angry that she has not reciprocated this in the least bit. Infertility is the first real problem I have encountered in my 32 years - I know that I am lucky to have been blessed with good health. My mom has made no effort to learn anything about infertility or specifically IVF. As a result, she asks me really stupid questions and that in turn annoys me to death! I feel bad, I feel like I should have more patience with her. My parents are leaving for a cruise on Thanksgiving and will not be returning for 10 days. This means that I will have no contact with her through the duration of the stims....I am thrilled! And since she has very little clue about the rest of the procedure I will not be sharing the exact dates of retrieval/transfer as I don't want to have to worry about sharing news the day we get it. I could be wrong, but I think that no matter if it is a success or failure, we will need time to digest the news on our own. It also helps that we live 2000 miles from all sets of parents. Most of the time I don't like being so far away - this is not one of those times.

Thanksgiving will be spent with friends. Most of our friends are transplants like us, so we spend lots of holidays together. We are in charge of dessert (apple and pumpkin pie and chocolate cake) mashed potatoes and an appetizer. Last year we did not have appetizers - this turned out to be a big mistake. We started the morning out by running the Turkey Trot (5 miles) got ready at home then went to our friends house without eating any lunch. Historically they have not had the best luck with Turkeys (one year they poisoned everyone) yet we continue to go back. Last year they did not thaw the bird enough and the dinner that was projected to be done at 2 was not done until 7. There was a lot of time with not a lot of food and a whole lot of wine! Needless to say a good time was had by all.

Originally we had volunteered to host Thanksgiving. We later changed our minds as there was a chance of needing to go to the RE that morning and I didn't want to deal with all of that. We do have a lot to be thankful for, I reallize this everyday. I hope that next year we have one more thing to be thankful for. But, in the mean time I think of the words that get me thru many days, "Never take for granted the gift of an ordinary day".

Excited?

I think that I am actually excited to begin the IVF cycle. I've thought about it and was unsure if excited is the word I am looking for, I think that it is. I am very aware of everything that can go wrong along the way. I know that there is only one outcome that won't disappoint T and I more than we have ever known. But despite everything that could go wrong I am excited at the possibility that something could go right? I am genuinely interested to see if my damn old eggs, that have been useless up untill now, have the ability to be fertilized and potentially grow.

This new attitude is a bit odd for me, usually I am on the side of "Expect the worst and anything better than that will be a pleasant surprise" I know that I could be setting myself up for a big fall. So for now I am excited to get going and I am cautiously optimistic about what the outcome could be. Maybe, all the positive thinking pep talks for my MIL have sunk in? Naaaah.....

The call

since there is not too much going on - 3 more BCPs until injectables...I will write about what I would have if I had started writing sooner


At the end of July we had gotten another BFN following a medicated, IUI cycle . I felt like I needed to just get away. My spirit was broken and it needed some fixin'. This was on a Sunday - I looked at the forcast for Mexico, picked the side that wasn't expecting a hurricane, and booked a trip to Cabo leaving that Friday. I hadn't been that excited in a long time.

The trip was great! Nothing but relaxing and having fun with T! A perfect 5 days. On day 3 I assumed my possition on the barstool submerged in water at the pool bar. When I sat down my butt hurt - the kind of hurt like when I've been biking all day. I had not done anything active - NOTHING! So it was obvious that the only thing that could be responsible for my soar butt was sitting on that stool. Yes, I had come down with "Bar Butt" A sign of a very successful vacation!

We came home feeling relaxed, refreshed and ready to jump back into the game. Then the call came. It was my best friend . 6 weeks earlier her husband left her and their 2 year old daughter. I took the split pretty hard - I couldn't believe it...I had been friends with both of them since middle school. When we left for the trip she was doing OK, she had began to accept the idea of going forward as a single mom. Back to "the call"... 2 words is all it took to kill my spirit - "I'm Pregnant" Yep, thats right, they had sex the night before he decided to leave. They certainly weren't trying, they were barely married, and she was pregnant. I couldn't say a thing. I think my response went something like" congratulations, I'll talk to you later".

I cried...T cried...Perhaps a bit dramatic, but the universe was feeling very unfair. I felt like the worst friend in the world. For the first time in 17 years of being friends I had nothing to say. She knew why and during the time when her life was completely up-side-down she was worried about how I was doing. I managed to compose myself and call her 2 days later.

During this "journey" of trying to get pregnant there have been many bad days in varying degrees. They come at anytime during my cycle and sometimes come and go without any warning or reason. I am not the only one in this house that has them. T has bad days too - and to be honest I think that his bad days are harder on me than on him. I look to him to be my rock, to be the strong one, so when he is down I feel like things must really be bad.

I know that this day really wasn't that bad compared to how bad it can get.

My friend is due in March. Her husband eventually moved back in and they are trying to work things out, but things aren't really working out. She says she is almost certain that they will divorce.They will stick it out until the baby is born, as she needs his insurance. She is now looking at going forward as a single mom to two daughters. We talk about our problems a lot. It is weird, although we are going thru two completely different things we are both going thru the same emotions. Being there for her helps me to keep my problems in perspective. It helps me to take the focus off from my problem and realize that my world isn't the only one that is spinning...

Santa came yesterday

Yesterday all my meds arrived via UPS. It was as if Santa had stopped by and I was actually excited. I now have the goods in my possesion - it feels real.Hopefully this will be the best $3300 that we have ever spent! Yes, I am obviously full of hope (at least for today) We have 3 tries, and if that doesn't work we will pursue adoption. At least we will know that we tried nearly everything that we could. Our goal is for a family - and I know we will reach our goal one way or the other. In the mean time T is somewhat excited to begin giving me shots....

You know you are infertile when...

You know how the story goes. First you decide to start trying, then when that doesn't work you start really trying ( still unmedicated and buying into the "it just takes time" bullshit) Then you make the appointment with the first RE. You begin with a little Clomid maybe some progesterone and the biggest waste of my time - ever - the IUI. All the while thinking it'll work, sooner or later. Then it hits you, this may not work. So you move on to RE #2 still with some hope that maybe it is just taking longer than EVERY OTHER COUPLE in the whole world.

I didn't label myself as infertile until the week that I recieved a prayer card - from my not very religious sister - and a fertility stone from a friend. These arrived in the mail within days of each other. On one hand it is nice to have people who are thinking of you and want to help, on the other hand I was like "what the fuck??" It occurred to me that it wasn't just taking a little longer than normal to get pregnant -that I indeed, was not normal. Now, don't get me wrong, I suspected this for quite some time...the crying every month( at anytime), the feeling of complete frustration and defeat every month while squinting to see something, anything on a cleary negative HPT and the willingness to try anything that I had read that possibly might increase our chances by even one hundreth of a percent - I had arrived at a point that if I read that standing in the corner, on my head, naked, whistling Dixie would have helped - I was game! But, when those things came in the mail it was official - I am infertile and evidently everyone knows it!

I accepted their tokens of "Good luck"with an open mind. I read the prayer card and the instructions that came with the fertility stone. The stone said to put it under my pillow at night - so of course that is exactly what I did. When I woke up in the morning it was gone! Thats right I managed to lose the fertility stone while I was sound aspleep. I insisted that my husband tear appart the bed and bedroom looking for my "fertility"...nothing. I thought the universe was trying to tell me something like "give it up already"...then 2 days later I found the stone in a mysterious pocket that I did not know existed in the PJs I was wearing. I no longer sleep with the fertility stone...

And time drags on...

Well, I'm half way thru my ten days of birth control pills. I find it very ironic. I took the pill for 15 years in an attempt not to get knocked-up...now I'm taking them in an attempt to get knocked-up....Seems like I wasted an awful lot of money on pills that I apparently did not need.I am happy to at least have started the IVF process - even if it does feel like I am taking one step back in order to take 2 steps forward. I am actually excited to start the injectables - I want to get this show on the road - I want to see if it'll work. If all goes well, and the cycle does not get cancelled, we will know right around Christmas day - It could be a really great Christmas, or a really bad Christmas... I am anxious to know either way.

In the mean time, time is going very slow...Seems like the last 18 months have consisted of us waiting for something - waiting for ovulation, the two week wait, waiting for the IVF cycle...I am tired of waiting, waiting, waiting...

I mentioned before that my MIL likes to give me the "Power of positive thinking" Pep talk. I know that she means well, I know this. But when people say to me " You just need to be more positive" I interpret it to mean - they think the reason I can't get pregnant is because I am not positive enough - which to me is idiotic!

We have not been very private about our struggle with infertility. At this point it seems like everyone and their cousin knows. This includes most of my coworkers. I figured they would be more sympathetic to my moodiness, days of sadness, and missing work if they knew what was going on. So far this theory has worked. I have been blessed with a boss that has been and continues to be understanding about the whole process - I feel very lucky, because it could have easily gone the other way - she is a single woman with no kids and no desire to ever have kids. When it comes to our friends, like everyone else struggling to become parents, everyone we know has babies or are pregnant - we are officially the last childless couple.

Lately we have been in hiding - just not in the mood to socialize with the fertiles. This weekend we are breaking out of our shell and having friends over to watch the Ohio State / Michigan game. We along with a lot of our friends are OSU fans transplanted to Colorado. We will cook some corned beef and cabbage and hopefully enjoy watching a victorious OSU!

I am off today - I work 4 days one week and 3 the next. I am about to take a hot bath then go for a massage. This is my attempt to make my life as stress free as possible as the time just crawls by....

When relaxing just isn't enough

November 16, 2005

Well we have tried relaxing, not relaxing, my ass up in the air, accupuncture, reading books how to get pregnant, herbs, vitamins, clomid, IUI (x5), progesterone, not drinking, drinking heavily, praying, not praying,begging, bargaining, crying, being positive, taking a break....Guess what? It's not happening. It is nearly a year and a half and nothing. T and I want desperately to start our family - it just shouldn't be this hard.

We have both been married before - So finding each other and falling in love was like a second chance for both of us - I am 32 and he is 35....not that old, but apparently my eggs think they are much older. So we are doing IVF. I am currently on the pill and starting injectables one week from today. A small part of me is excited, the rest of me - scared to death,. I am not scared of the whole IVF procedure - the shots don't really bother me - I am a nurse, and as luck would have it, during our journey of TTC I have significantly decreased my exercise, specifically running, and have gained 7 pounds - so I have some extra meat to poke. I am scared that it won't work. I don't know if I can handle that kind of disappointment.

This whole experience has been very disappointing, frustrating and heartbreaking. I could have never imagined how this would feel. I guess it's like most things, until you've experienced it - you have no idea how it feels. People say the stupidist things "Relax", "It'll happen soon", "Stop trying so hard", "Don't think about it so much" and my personal favorite "I know this couple who tried and tried blah, blah, blah" I'm truely sick about hearing about "that couple"! The other day a friend of ours said that all this baby stuff must be a real hassel. HASSEL!?!?!? When I lose my car keys, that's a hassel, when there is a really slow cashier at the grocery store, that's a hassel....Infertility is not a hassel - the world is clueless.

Sometime in the midst of all of the infertility fun I started to read blogs. It has proven to be quite theraputic and comforting for me. They have validated my feelings and kept me from feeling like I was going insane.

Our insurance doesn't cover anything related to IVF, so we have elected to do "shared risk". We get 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen ( if we have any to freeze- which the Dr doesn't think will be the case - given my high FSH (10.2) and low number of resting follicles) If none of this works, we get 70% of the $22,100 back and we will persue domestic adoption. We are lucky, our family gave us the $22,100 for the shared risk - we are footing the bill for the testing, meds, and "additional services" not covered by shared risk. That is about $7000...On a positive note - we are with an RE who has the best success rates in the country- for my age >65%.

It's crazy how it gets to this point. I meet the love of my life, get married, six months later decide to start "trying" and then figure out that no matter how hard we "try" it just isn't going to work. It is amazing and quite unfair that what seems like the rest of the world gets to start a family for free.They get to start a family by actually having sex.

I get so sad month after month -not just for myself, but for T - he will be such an awsome daddy! When I first met him he had toys at his house for when friends with kids would come over. He is great with the nieces and nephews ( no one in the family seems to have this problem - they just need to share a wash cloth and they end up knocked- up!) He is great with our friends kids (they have no fertility issues either - they decide they want a kid and bamm! the next month they are pregnant) He will be great - it breaks my heart that I haven' t given that to him yet.

Everything else in our lives is great. Honestly. I have a good job. T owns his own business, which is doing amazingly well. We have a nice house. We love where we live. We have good friends and a really supportive family- both emotionally and financially( well, other than the occasional pep talk that I get from my MIL about the need to be positive)...There is only one thing missing. And that one thing - a baby - is leaving a hole in my soul....

So we forge ahead. We have no other choice