When relaxing just isn't enough

November 16, 2005

Well we have tried relaxing, not relaxing, my ass up in the air, accupuncture, reading books how to get pregnant, herbs, vitamins, clomid, IUI (x5), progesterone, not drinking, drinking heavily, praying, not praying,begging, bargaining, crying, being positive, taking a break....Guess what? It's not happening. It is nearly a year and a half and nothing. T and I want desperately to start our family - it just shouldn't be this hard.

We have both been married before - So finding each other and falling in love was like a second chance for both of us - I am 32 and he is 35....not that old, but apparently my eggs think they are much older. So we are doing IVF. I am currently on the pill and starting injectables one week from today. A small part of me is excited, the rest of me - scared to death,. I am not scared of the whole IVF procedure - the shots don't really bother me - I am a nurse, and as luck would have it, during our journey of TTC I have significantly decreased my exercise, specifically running, and have gained 7 pounds - so I have some extra meat to poke. I am scared that it won't work. I don't know if I can handle that kind of disappointment.

This whole experience has been very disappointing, frustrating and heartbreaking. I could have never imagined how this would feel. I guess it's like most things, until you've experienced it - you have no idea how it feels. People say the stupidist things "Relax", "It'll happen soon", "Stop trying so hard", "Don't think about it so much" and my personal favorite "I know this couple who tried and tried blah, blah, blah" I'm truely sick about hearing about "that couple"! The other day a friend of ours said that all this baby stuff must be a real hassel. HASSEL!?!?!? When I lose my car keys, that's a hassel, when there is a really slow cashier at the grocery store, that's a hassel....Infertility is not a hassel - the world is clueless.

Sometime in the midst of all of the infertility fun I started to read blogs. It has proven to be quite theraputic and comforting for me. They have validated my feelings and kept me from feeling like I was going insane.

Our insurance doesn't cover anything related to IVF, so we have elected to do "shared risk". We get 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen ( if we have any to freeze- which the Dr doesn't think will be the case - given my high FSH (10.2) and low number of resting follicles) If none of this works, we get 70% of the $22,100 back and we will persue domestic adoption. We are lucky, our family gave us the $22,100 for the shared risk - we are footing the bill for the testing, meds, and "additional services" not covered by shared risk. That is about $7000...On a positive note - we are with an RE who has the best success rates in the country- for my age >65%.

It's crazy how it gets to this point. I meet the love of my life, get married, six months later decide to start "trying" and then figure out that no matter how hard we "try" it just isn't going to work. It is amazing and quite unfair that what seems like the rest of the world gets to start a family for free.They get to start a family by actually having sex.

I get so sad month after month -not just for myself, but for T - he will be such an awsome daddy! When I first met him he had toys at his house for when friends with kids would come over. He is great with the nieces and nephews ( no one in the family seems to have this problem - they just need to share a wash cloth and they end up knocked- up!) He is great with our friends kids (they have no fertility issues either - they decide they want a kid and bamm! the next month they are pregnant) He will be great - it breaks my heart that I haven' t given that to him yet.

Everything else in our lives is great. Honestly. I have a good job. T owns his own business, which is doing amazingly well. We have a nice house. We love where we live. We have good friends and a really supportive family- both emotionally and financially( well, other than the occasional pep talk that I get from my MIL about the need to be positive)...There is only one thing missing. And that one thing - a baby - is leaving a hole in my soul....

So we forge ahead. We have no other choice